FEISTY

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down 46.2 pounds so far

So, about that last blog post… I think I really needed to write what I wrote last week, to see it in black and white. I tend to ruminate and obsess, and getting it out of my head and onto paper (well, on the screen) helped me start to focus on how to get unstuck. I can see I have a constant barrage of negative feedback from the voice in my head that really REALLY wants me to stay stuck, to keep the status-quo. Just writing about that invited me to more awareness, and when I can notice the voice, I can talk back to it, put it in its place. So thank you for indulging my pity party.

Because this week I feel like I am in a totally different place. And guess what? I lost a pound.

A few weeks ago Alyse at Write To Glow challenged us to pick a word for the new year. A challenge, a mantra, an intention, a guiding star. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and finally came up with my word:

FEISTY.

I LOVE this word, but I am going to have to make it my own, since for some reason FEISTY often seems to be associated with women of small stature, or inexplicably, chihuahuas. If you met my rotten little cat Louie, you might call him FEISTY. See? The association can’t be helped.

But I am sticking with FEISTY.

I am going to need a fighting spirit going into this next year. I feel like at times I have lived my life placid as a cow, matronly even, the opposite of FEISTY. But in the past year I have seen myself changing, and I like my new energy.

So armed with my renewed fighting spirit I have begun talking back to the negative, damaging voice in my head.

That voice says: You’re too old to change. I respond: Hey, I have friends in their 70s and 80s that are doing pretty well all things considered, so it isn’t too late. My mom is 84 and my dad is 90 and they’re still kicking, so I might have some longevity genes going on. All I am guaranteed is today, anyway. And eating healthy and exercising makes me feel good and proud today.

And my old age will SUCK if I don’t keep progressing.

That voice says: I am too tired to cook, to go to the gym. I respond: If I do these things I will have more energy, and besides…this means I may need to let something go so that I have more time to take care of myself. This is my one precious life. Is looking at Facebook, or keep current with the laundry, or saying yes when I want to say no more important than MY life? Sure, work needs to be done, the kid needs to be tended, but other than that I can pick and choose how to manage my time.

That voice says: What the hell, I’ll just eat this one thing, it won’t matter. I respond: Yes, I can have that. But I will get to enjoy my new life sooner if I plan for this, instead of just scarfing it down compulsively.

The voice says: You screwed up…might as well just blow the rest of the day, and start again tomorrow. I respond: I deserve care right this minute, not tomorrow.

The voice in my head that might be the hardest to tackle is the one that says, “Oh, no! I’m feeling anxious! I better eat over it!” But I have a lifetime of experimenting with pushing down anxiety with food, and I know it doesn’t work, not in the long run. It just makes it worse, and I have better coping skills now, so that voice really just needs to be bitch-slapped.

I feel like this is my next challenge. That inner voice is so so afraid of change. I am figuring out what to say to her so I can keep progressing, keep making my life better, keep working on some self-discipline, not in a punishing way but in a consistent way.

I am capable of loving discipline. For example,  I have been disciplined in taking care of my daughter: I changed her diaper and fed her whether I felt like it or not. I drive her to school even when I would rather sleep. I take care of her when she is sick, even if it is scary or exhausting.

That sort of self-discipline is love. I deserve the same kind of love. From me.

I feel strong and determined right this minute. I wish I could bottle this feeling to drink up when I need it. But I know with awareness I can access it again and again. I am capable, even excited, about the inner work and habit changes that I will need to keep focusing on this year.

I’m feeling FEISTY.

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2 thoughts on “FEISTY

  1. Dear FEISTY,

    The spirited determination I hear in your post reminds me of this line: “When Discipline was a teenager too poor to afford dance classes, she skipped lunch to pay for her lessons.”
    –from The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler

    From,
    Your Friend, PLAY

    Like

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