down 47.8 pounds so far
Struggle Struggle Struggle, Surrender. Struggle Struggle Struggle, Surrender. That is my process. But that’s OK. My old process was Struggle Struggle Struggle, Quit.
I’m good with Surrender.
Here’s what I mean. I have struggled really all of my life with weight. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight, unless it was the few times I had lost some weight and was quickly gaining it back. Think about that. My whole life I have been gaining or losing weight, never just maintaining. So one of my struggles has been:
Oh. My. God.
I haven’t lost any weight since October. But then I got it: My weight has stayed the same. I didn’t gain back what I lost, plus extra weight on top of that. You might not get what a big deal that is, unless you have been through this yourself. I really had to surrender to the notion that for various reasons my weight has been staying the same, and accept that as a blessing instead of a curse. Surrender to the reality of my situation instead of giving up and eating like I used to and gaining all of my weight back. Quitting.
I struggled through the holidays. Struggled with working through my resistance to change. I struggled but didn’t quit, I surrendered to what I needed to do and kept moving forward.
So the last few weeks I have been thinking: I got this. I am tracking all of my food, my head is in the game, I am pushing back against the resistance, I am exercising, I am asking for help, I am eating at home more, prepping meals more often, slipping up less, staying within my calorie range more often… and the scale isn’t budging. And the struggle has been mighty: Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Heather has the patience of Job; she has listened to me rail against my fate for quite a while now.
Karen and Sue are my sounding-boards, sisters, reality-checkers, cheerleaders, fellow travelers. I have blown up their in-boxes with whining, meandering, poor-me missives for weeks. This isn’t fair… I am trying so hard… blah blah blah.
No one is making me change my life. It is a choice. I like how I am living my life now so much more than I did nearly 50 pounds ago.
Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.
So. I need to lower my calories again. Obvious, I am sure, to everyone else, but kind of an A-Ha! moment for me.
So by that I mean really eat within the parameters I set for myself, quit going over a bit here and a bit there. I am going to try to average 200 calories a day less. I think that will make a difference, but since I track everything pretty consistently: my calories consumed, how much I exercise, my weight, I should know in a couple of weeks if that will make a difference. I will say this: I would rather stay at exactly the weight I am now that go on a crazy, super-low calorie starvation diet. Seriously.
I know that is what happens on Weight Watchers, by the way. As your weight drops you go down in the number of points you get to eat every day. I don’t remember anyone talking about how you deal with that psychologically, but for me it was always hard.
Heather pointed out that when I started this odyssey I couldn’t have imagined that I would be eating the way I am now. Hardly ever have candy? Drink only a few glasses of wine a week? Not eat whatever I want whenever the urge strikes? All of these things would have been unthinkable just a year ago. Well, maybe not unthinkable. I might have thought about these things and thought: Well. That’s it. My life is gonna suck and I am gonna be miserable. But that is SO not how I feel now. I feel great. Empowered. I hardly ever feel actual hunger. I gradually surrendered to this way of eating. And I can take the next step, whatever that needs to be. Just a tweak in what has already been working, a gradual change in my plan and perspective. Surrendering to doing what it takes, instead of wishing things were different.
Oh. Now I get it. I don’t have to imagine how my food plan will look this time next year, I just need to accept what I need to do right now and keep doing the work. I am going to surrender to that concept and see what happens.
Update: I actually started writing this post, and started changing my eating plan last Monday, and guess what? I am down 2.6 pounds this week. A greater loss than typical for me, and I don’t expect that kind of results every week, but I will take it!